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Colossians 3:13

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

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Forgiveness… this word can evoke such strong emotions. Sometimes positive and sometimes very negative. Forgiveness can be so cleansing for the soul, yet so difficult to do. You may have been the one offering the forgiveness or the one begging to receive. Either way, forgiveness is the best cleansing for the soul for those offering and receiving. Why is it so difficult then?

What does it mean to forgive?

Forgiveness is defined as the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven. Again, your reaction often depends on whether you are on the giving or receiving end. Forgiving often means you have been wronged. You are accepting an apology of some sort and letting the mistake go.

Being forgiven is the opposite. You are the purpose of the wrong and you are being offered forgiveness by whom you have wronged.

While both can be soul cleansing, they are often very difficult. Why is this?

First of all, the person offering forgiveness has been wronged by someone and is often hurt whether physically or emotionally. This can range anywhere from stepping on someone’s toe to stepping out on your marriage. Both very different but both can cause hurt.

While having your toe stepped on, you may be angry or in pain, but you will most likely forgive the person who stepped on your toe.

The other scenario of having been cheated on would not be as easy to forgive, you might think. The hurt a person feels when their trust or even marriage vows have been broken can be indescribable. Having to forgive the person who caused so much pain may be one of the hardest things you will ever do.

Forgive, But Never Forget

I have often heard the phrase “forgive but never forget.” This rings true for all of those I have met who have been through something so difficult as infidelity. People often associate forgiveness with overlooking the wrong and allowing it to occur. This is absolutely not the case. Forgiveness is so much more than letting the wrong go.

Think of forgiveness as a cleansing of your own soul. I would like to share a story with you of a friend who went through infidelity with her husband of 15 years and how she found peace through forgiveness that has strengthened her marriage to a place she didn’t know possible.

When Nicole and Demetrius were in their early 20s, they married after a long courtship starting in high school. Both of their parents were high school sweethearts and they were head over heals for each other.

As the years progressed, they bought a home and had 2 beautiful children but they both started to change. They were maturing and finding that the realities of life were turning them into tired and unfulfilled people. Over the years, they started growing apart and often talked about separating. Both were very stubborn and each time they started a discussion on the subject, they would conclude that neither wanted this ending and they would push on and work it out.

As the years went on, they were both “just going through the motions” Nicole would say. She described their relations ship as “roommates.” They would argue and not talk for days. The kids became so used to this that they would just go to the other room.

Nicole and Demetri saw marriage counselors and things would get better for a while but then return to their previous state as they both became relaxed with their efforts to maintain their marriage.

One day Nicole was driving through town and saw a sign she often passed in an old church building. The church often posted provoking messages on the billboard but this time it struck a nerve, she recalled. The message read from John 8:32 and stated that “You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” Not knowing why this struck a nerve, Nicole kept on with her day and shook the message off.

Just a few days later, Nicole received a call with news she never expected to hear. Evidence of Demetri cheating on her became available and was undeniable.

After hours of confrontation and denial, Demetri finally came clean and he packed his bags and left their home. Nicole decided at that moment that their marriage was over. Besides, the Bible gives infidelity and death as the only reasons for divorce and Demetri had broken their marriage vows. She was convinced this was the only option at this point.

Nicole confided in a friend what was going on and while comforting her, this friend said something that has changed Nicole’s life forever. Her friend gave her the best hug and whispered in her ear “One day, you will have to forgive him. It may not be today or any time soon, but one day. If not for him, you have to do it for yourself!”

Through weeks of crying and praying for the Lord to carry her and give her strength through this difficult time, Nicole began her own healing. She started attending her home church more consistently. She and Demetri, though still on a path to divorce, started faith based marriage counseling and she started taking care of herself like she had early in their relationship.

After weeks of separation, Nicole made the decision to try to forgive Demetri and save their marriage, thus a new trial began. Weeks became months but not a day went by that Nicole did not think about her pain and her husbands wrong. Almost a year from the day of the truth coming to light, Nicole was sitting at work and became very emotional thinking about the past. She reached out to another friend who had been through a similar situation for advice. This friend talked about how she still, many years later, had good days and bad days but again the word forgiveness was brought up. She stated “I forgave him, but I didn’t forget.” She learned from the situation and became stronger. She would bring up concerns and insecurities with her husband and they worked though them instead of letting them fester.

This brought Nicole back to the advice her friend had given her in the midst of her early days of grief. “One day you will have to forgive him…If not for him, do it for yourself.”

Right there in her office Nicole began to pray. Through tears she asked the Lord to help her forgive. She knew that although she had decided to stay with Demetri, she had not fully forgiven him and let the Lord take her fears and restore her trust in her husband. She let her mind wander and cause her pain. She would wake up at night having had a nightmare from the past experiences. She remembered the church billboard that stated that the truth will set you free. She had discovered the truth when it came to her marriage but the truth of the power of forgiveness she had not yet found.

Nicole then described something I was not expecting. At the time, she too did not understand what was happening, but then her mind started picturing the mistress from her husband’s affair. This person had not been revealed to her and in these pictures, she saw this sweet lady who became consumed with evil. Hear me out here! This was not a scene from a Poltergeist movie. Nicole didn’t want to see this person as an innocent bystander. This was the person who contributed in the ruining of her marriage.

Then it hit her like a ton of bricks. All those years that the Devil was trying to break up her marriage, from the petty fights to the anger and frustration, they had not given up. The Devil then took a more aggressive approach to destroy them. He used this woman as a martyr to attack Demetri’s then weakness. Suddenly Nicole started praying for this woman. She prayed that the Lord would heal her soul and remove the evil spirit that had consumed her to become the mistress in her marriage.

Stunned by both the revelation and her actions, it was months before Nicole told anyone what happened that day. However, since that day at her work, sitting in her office, Nicole has seen the world from a completely different viewpoint. It was that day, that Nicole FORGAVE Demetri and allowed the TRUTH to truly SET HER FREE.

Now, she still has some bad days, but they are fewer and farther between. She has a renewed strength when it comes to her marriage and a deeper relationship with the Lord than she knew possible.

Those little words of advice that friend gave her that faithful day to “forgive, if not for him, do it for yourself” and that billboard on the side of the road that told her “the truth will set you free” have such a new meaning.

Not only did Nicole forgive Demetri and the mistress, but she forgave herself that day as well. She forgave herself for not putting her marriage higher on her priorities, for letting her true self go and not taking care of her self needs. Demetri owned his wrong and begged for forgiveness. He too recognized how their marriage was deteriorating and he acknowledged that he did not try to change it’s path. From that day she recognized that taking care of her own physical, mental and spiritual needs allowed her to become stronger and more confident. She became closer to God and his word and her actions and manner began to change. This in turn changed the way Demetri saw her and treated her. Month by month, their relationship improved and to this day, they both say that it was worth the fight and are both happier than they have been since those many years of courtship.

As you can see, forgiveness can be very difficult but can also be life changing. Your situation may not be similar to Nicole and Demetri’s but the lesson is still the same. Forgiveness is cleansing and allows you to truly move on and let the feelings go. True and complete forgiveness does not mean forgetting what was done. You will always remember and hopefully learn and grow from it. But forgiveness will allow your mind to be open to the lessons and growth and open the door to the Lord who will forever change your life from that point forward.

How have you had to forgive someone and how has it changed your life? Please comment below

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