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I like to read, mostly nonfiction mysteries though! Julian is more of a “Self-Help” type of reader. After 20 years of marriage, neither of us would have thought we would be reading books to save our marriage. You may be married preparing to get married or even separated while reading this. Wherever you are in your state of relationships, I am called to share with you 2 books that helped save my marriage.

Getting Personal

As I mentioned, Julian and I have been married for 20 years this year! We have what we call a “Love-Hate” relationship. We love each other so deeply but we fight A LOT! How we fight has changed a lot over the years. See, we started dating in high school! We were just kids. We actually have a daughter who is the same age as I was when Julian and I started dating. I could NOT imagine her in a relationship with her future spouse.

Julian and I came from two totally different backgrounds in just about all manors of speaking. Only God knows how we ended up together. But, our roller-coaster life together has come a long way. We both would even venture to say that up until the last 5 years, we were both miserable in our marriage and don’t know how we made it this far. Well, we do know that it was only God holding us together because he had plans for us. We are both stubborn as mules and we both agreed that we didn’t believe in divorce. The word divorce has been spoken only once in our marriage and I will admit, I am the one who said it.

Getting to that point was ugly

Over the years our communication has grown and we are great at talking about our feelings, however, getting to that point was ugly. When we finally agreed that we were not happy we decided to give our marriage 1 year. We would both work very hard to make it work and if we were not happy in a year, we would separate. Well, we didn’t make it that far! I had had enough of the arguing and spoke the words, “I want a divorce.” It was a long time coming and I was sick after I said it.

The Shock Sets In

After a few days and the shock of what I said wore off, we went back to our marriage counselor. We had been to her before and she had given us a book assignment to read. The book was The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. We took the associated quiz during a session several years prior and then read a chapter together each night before bed. We learned what each other’s love language was and for a few months after, we would talk about it openly as far as how each other’s actions were affecting us and how we could improve based on our personal languages.

The book focuses on 5 “languages” we speak through either our words or actions that affect how we give and perceive love.

Learning Each Other’s Love Languages

I personally perceive love by gifts (I never knew this) and by acts of service. Well in our therapy session we discovered that I was probably lacking because Julian hadn’t given me a gift for any holiday or special occasion for years and I felt smothered by our home responsibilities because he would only sporadically help and then wanted credit for everything he did.

For him, he spoke words of affirmation and physical touch. Well he loves to snuggle and I avoided it because I always felt overwhelmed with other responsibilities. He also would work out and keep himself up and I rarely commented on his appearance or gave him praise for the things he did. I was a bitter person.

Little things like writing me a letter or my recognizing how hard he was working on keeping himself healthy, or even holding his hand went a long way.

The Trick Is Making It Last

Like most things, this improvement started waning. At this point in our lives, both of us had given up. Our counselor asked us what had been happening since we saw her last and we told her how we had both stopped trying. We realized that it took effort but neither seemed to be giving continuously.

We continued counseling for several months. I also started going to a bible study with my mother-in-law each Wednesday evening. It gave me a chance to have some time away from work and home while also being able to talk about my relationship with her son. (She is the best secret keeper and listener and I am so blessed).

I also did my own research on saving a marriage. I stumbled upon a second book that sparked my interest. It was called Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian.

The Power of A Praying Wife

Stormie Omartian

I chose to read this book by myself, well because it was for a wife, right? (They do have Power of a Praying Husband but as I discovered, you can’t make your husband read it). This one took me a while to get through, but only because of my own stubbornness. Let me explain: The Power of a Praying Wife goes through 30 days of prayer for different areas of your husband’s life. It gives you insight into a man’s perspective of his different responsibilities and how he perceives different aspects of his world. Then you pray for him regarding whatever aspect the chapter focuses on and how you can support him in that aspect.

Well, after a day or 2 he would do something hurtful or say something mean and I would think “He doesn’t deserve my prayer for him.” Yes, as I sit here with my head hung low, I admit, I would think like that about my husband. I know now that I was hurt and angry but what I didn’t know was that over time, my prayers and understanding of him and his perceptions of life would help me change and understand why he would say and do some of the things he did. Not only that, but it would help me stop and think before I spoke or acted.

Yes, as I sit here with my head hung low, I admit, I would think like that about my husband.

It took months to finally get through that book because of my stubbornness but all the while, I was reading the bible with my Mother-In-Law and practicing my prayers and holding my tongue when I was angry. AND HE STARTED NOTICING!

Julian would start making comments about how he saw that I was a little less temperamental or that I was being more understanding of him. This felt pretty good. I also would try to “Fill his love tank” (inside info you will understand after reading the 5 Love Languages). Little things that were directed at his personal love language made a BIG deal.

In turn Julian would do little things to fill my love tank which he hadn’t done in so many years. Each time, I would actually want to return the favor. WOW, this was a feeling I hadn’t felt in a long time. We started smiling more and having better conversations. We even started going on a few dates here and there.

Marriage is the hardest job you will ever do

My Mom

It has been about 4 years since I spoke those forbidden words and I am so thankful that I didn’t act irrationally. I can assure you, like my mother told me on her 40 year anniversary “Marriage is the hardest job you will ever do.” But if you humble yourself and swallow your own pride, if you put in the consistent and targeted effort, it can be worth the work.

Start with these 2 books. I promise you won’t be disappointed. Since our reading these books, we have shared copies of them with family and friends who were struggling in their marriages. So far, all of them are still together and one couple even got saved after reading them!

If your marriage is suffering from infidelity and unforgiveness, read Forgiveness: The Best Cleansing of the Soul to see how one couple overcame trust and forgiveness issues after infidelity.